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Recently I've been sinking
Like a stone into a pond
Having skimmed across the surface
Of life for far too long

Please may I have a new heart
Along with a new mind
I cannot reverse this feeling
No, I'm sorry, not this time

Recently I've been sinking
Into myself like quicksand
No one sees as it swallows me
Each grain a mislaid plan

Please may I crawl inside your love
Mingle hearts until the end
I cannot reverse this feeling
No, I'm sorry, not again

Recently I've been sinking
Such an overused metaphor
But one which is cathartic
When choosing to explore

That I could save you my love
And in time you could save me
As fear and loneliness will dissolve
Doused in our empathy
xxxxxxx
Add a Comment:
 
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the repetition in this. Like a melody.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
thank you. I do try and work on the rhythm and melody in my poems :)
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your works seem like song lyrics because of it. It's refreshing.
Reply
:iconcnaomihodge:
CNaomiHodge Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Writer
I agree with @EgoSlayer
If you had not acknowledged the chiches in the poem, then it would have been much more flow-y and rhythmic.
But your use of vocabulary and visual aspects are amazing in this, you are a very talented writer.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thanks so much for your words :) I understand exactly what you and egoslayer are saying and your points are very valid.

I suppose I just wanted to do something different than what I had done before. Like anything though it was never going to be to everyones taste :)

I am glad you liked the rest of it though :)
Reply
:iconegoslayer:
EgoSlayer Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
This is quite beautiful and hits home a bit too much right now. My only critique would be the second to last verse, it threw me off a bit because it distracts from the emotion and imagery and draws attention to the poem itself by acknowledging any cliches (which in itself is cliche, ironically), if that makes sense. Every other verse is beautiful done, but that one just feels out of place. But that's just me!
Reply
:iconegoslayer:
EgoSlayer Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
beautifully*, curse you, lack of edit button.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thank you for your words :)

I am surprised no one else has mentioned that verse. I wasn't sure about putting it in myself. I just wanted to do something a bit different to what I have done before. Actually explore what I saw as a flaw within the poem (it being a bit of a cliche) and acknowledging it.

But I understand your point totally. Just blink when you get to that verse if you read again lol jk

thanks again :)
Reply
:iconwhitegrowsthelily:
whitegrowsthelily Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:icon8halostar8:
8Halostar8 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful ♥
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:icon8halostar8:
8Halostar8 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome c:
Reply
:icondjdanilly:
djdanilly Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Professional General Artist
Note me, I'm a counselor.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
that's very kind of you to offer. Thank you :)
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
BRilliant
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconbarebackrider2:
BarebackRider2 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
OMG I LOVE THIS :D :heart:
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
:D thank you!
Reply
:iconbarebackrider2:
BarebackRider2 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
YOUR WELCOME :heart:
Reply
:iconxiaolinart121:
xiaolinart121 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
This is really good :D
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
:D aww thank you very much
Reply
:iconxiaolinart121:
xiaolinart121 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
:D
Reply
:iconprincessaquarius:
princessaquarius Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Professional Writer
I really love this.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconprincessaquarius:
princessaquarius Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Professional Writer
You're very welcome ^_^
Reply
:iconsleepy-kisses:
sleepy-kisses Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
so heartbreaking and beautiful... ♥
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
glad you enjoyed it, thank you :)
Reply
:iconaliciagirdler:
AliciaGirdler Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
this is beautiful *tear rolls down face*
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
aww thank you :)
Reply
:iconazizica:
Azizica Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Student General Artist
I have no words to describe how awesomely wonderful this poem is.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
:) thats really kind of you to say, thanks
Reply
:iconazizica:
Azizica Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student General Artist
My plesure
Reply
:iconsvitavotara:
Svitavotara Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Very well written indeed. :D
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
:D thank you so much
Reply
:iconsvitavotara:
Svitavotara Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
You're very welcome!
Reply
:iconkuraitenshiv:
KuraiTenshiV Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist
This is very good, I was just telling some one the sinking feeling I was having I used "drowning in shadows" this would have been better.
Reply
:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
oh i like 'drowning in shadows' too :)

thanks for reading and commenting!
Reply
:iconkuraitenshiv:
KuraiTenshiV Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist
Np thanks for the great work to read
Reply
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